If you’re like most people—someone who pays attention to the feelings of others, and tries to act with empathy in professional interactions with coworkers and colleagues—you’ll have experienced the common tension between telling others what you really think and coming across as rewarding to deal with.
Modern self-help advice often pushes us to be less bothered about what others think, to express our genuine and authentic thoughts and emotions without fear of repercussions, and to pick radical candor over polite conflict avoidance. According to this advice, a truth that hurts is better than a comforting lie, even if the lie is intended to enhance trust and promote positive work relations. The idea is that truth is bitter initially but sweet in the end, while the opposite is true for lies (pun intended).
More often than not, our work colleagues will not care much about what we think deep down about different issues, especially if they don’t pertain to work. Just because your views are controversial and likely to upset others doesn’t make them right (just like the conventional nature of opinions doesn’t make them wrong). Indeed, more often than not, telling it like it is is not indicative of intelligence. Poor social skills, if not a sign that you are too self-centered to care about what others think, give the impression you can’t contemplate the possibility that their views are right and yours are wrong.
That said, if you always tell people what they want to hear, you won’t be regarded as socially skilled or emotionally intelligent, but as a fraud, fake, or phony. We have all seen this type of person: someone who always compliments everybody, is exaggeratedly positive and nice, and never overtly disagrees with anyone. It’s that painful moment when someone crosses the line between political skills and acting like a politician. It’s probably just as risky to trust individuals who are too inconsiderate to modulate or temper down their grumpy thoughts and negative opinions. Although fake politeness may be preferable to genuine rudeness, they are equally incompatible with trust, and as likely to inhibit connections with others.
So, how can you balance conflict avoidance and conflict; between candidness and kindness; between your point of view and that of others?
Focus on your goal
How much do you care about the other person’s reactions, versus putting out your opinion? Would you rather say what you want but hurt their feelings, or focus on building or maintaining a positive relationship, even if requires not expressing your views?
For example, how important is it for your coworkers to hear how you feel about the upcoming presidential election, abortion, geopolitics, and the crisis in the Middle East?
In general, polarizing views can achieve only two outcomes: to either strengthen the already tribal connection between you and people who think like you or to antagonize those who don’t (or both). People rarely change their views on issues that deeply connect with their values, experiences, and identity.
Pick your battles
Understand that voicing your views may ignite conflict and confrontation, so be sure to pick your battles. Just like you won’t have any credibility if you agree with everyone about everything all the time, you will also not be taken seriously if you disagree with everyone on everything all the time.
If you hope to persuade people to think like you, then be sure to assess whether this goal is attainable, and the pros and cons of winning or losing the argument. Importantly, how you do this is even more critical than what you do and why (see next point).
Lean on your social skills
People will care less about your views than your ability to convey them in a way that shows an awareness of social norms, the dominant etiquette, and, fundamentally, an attempt to consider other people’s views and feelings.
People will be able to tolerate your views more easily if you make an effort to be understood, don’t underestimate or patronize them, and display an ability to appreciate the nuances, caveats, and different perspectives on the issue.
Your degree of conviction doesn’t need to be matched by assertiveness or arrogance. You will more likely persuade others—or at least encourage them to consider your view—if you inject a dose of humility and empathy.
Apologize when needed
Even if you intend to have an honest discussion with someone, which requires expressing your views, if you unintentionally hurt or upset someone, always offer a sincere apology. There’s nothing to gain from falling out with people over a disagreement, and much to gain from learning to coexist and collaborate with others who do not share your views. Showing others that you care about them as much as you care about your views will make them more receptive to your attitudes and opinions, particularly if you learn to respect theirs and make them aware of it.
Work, like life in general, is always a delicate balancing act. This requires much thinking, contemplation, and calibration. Feedback from others is critical to help you improve your behavior, whether learning to convey your honest views or to suppress them.
Although perfection is rarely within reach, you can improve significantly simply by paying attention to what you say, and how your words impact others. Equally, if you want to encourage others to tell you what they really think, you’d better display some tolerance, open-mindedness, and an ability to connect with other people’s ideas even when they are different.